A View from the Bridge

Confessions of an Antiquated Queen

By Mary Khon

My Queeridos, today I won’t start with a salutation. Instead, I want to tell you that I have waited TWO whole months to write this article because I wanted to be objective. Two months have passed and I’m still too emotionally involved in the subject matter so there will be no objectivity in my writing. Or maybe it will be but I don’t know; I just don’t know.

What exactly has my panties up in a bunch? It has to do with pride celebrations (I told you I have to wait two months to discuss this matter) and the many things that make people like me not to enjoy the festivities to the fullest. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m an old antiquated queen, trust me. So, here are the things that the Pride Committee should get rid of next year to make things better for us all:

1. Loud Obnoxious People: I know we are all very happy to be part of the celebrations and scream as loud as we can “HAPPY PRIDE,” but one thing is wishing everyone happy pride and another is hearing your excitement about every costume, every drag queen, every float, every half naked/fully naked man, every song played by a DJ, etc…. I know you love EVERYTHING but you don’t have to tell us about it in your very loud voice or at all.

2. Insufferable Buzzed People: Those are the ones that are not completely drunk because they seem to know how to handle their alcohol. They walk among the crowds holding their beer cups yet they are buzz enough to have no steady hand thus spilling bear all over you because on top of their buzz, they think they can dance so they move amongst us like bunnies.

3. Fkup Drunks: I don’t think I need to describe these people, but they are the ones who become irritable human beings once alcohol has taken over their senses, bodies, and minds. These are the drunks who start being a pest to everyone around them, vomiting all over, sometimes yelling obscenities and/or going into hissy fits about the wrongness in their lives.

4. Straight but “Gay for a Day” People: This group mostly consists of young college students who look at Pride Celebrations as yet another college party where they can get drunk up their asses in order to not lose touch with their detestable college attitude while on summer break. They walk around without their shirts on and body slammed each other every time they think they have said something clever, have taken a picture with a beautiful young woman, have dared to hug a drag queen, or have lost a bet and now, more than willingly, have to kiss a guy.

5. I’m with Her/Him People: You’ve seen them all around you. They are the couples that happily walk together holding hands because “they belong to each other” and they have been together for years or since the night before Pride Celebration. To show us that they have found “their other half,” they walk together holding hands at all times and walk in the opposite direction despite the fact that 100,000 of us are also walking in the very narrow street so we all have to ‘make way’ for this insecure couple ‘cause if they let go, it’s over.

6. Bitchy Queen Clique: These parasites are everywhere, and no, they are not a group of friends who come to the celebration but rather a bunch of skinny, insecure, hateful, and imperfect group of bitches who spend the entire time criticizing and making fun of everyone that doesn’t measure up to their standards. These hateful organisms can only survive through meanness, self-centrism, spiteful disapproval of others, and self-aggrandizing. They are like “The Plastics” from the film “Mean Girls,” except the “Bitchy Queen Clique” has no money, no manners, and no ass.

7. Obviously Straight Guys: It seems that at Gay Pride Celebrations the fantasy to seduce a straight guy can become a reality. However, the Obviously Straight Guy is more interested in the uncovering of his own underwear and on the exposed breast of any woman that has decided to be liberated during PRIDE. To make sure everyone around knows they are not into Dick, they bring out their best catcall vocabulary to “flatter girls.”

7. Families with Babies: I’m all into families inducting their young to our Happy Hall of Gays but please, PRIDE is not the place to bring the entire family, especially if you decide to bring the baby carriage or the little red pull wagon. Imagine, there are about 1,000,000 of us trying to march, walk, drink, dance, eat, move from point A to point Z, and make out with as many guys as possible. And here you are, trying to make way with your red wagon full of children just as I’m about to literately go down on someone. WTF!

I hope the PRIDE COMMITTEES of the cities around the nation pay attention to my call. I have more suggestions but I’m just too lazy to keep on living, so bye-bye now.