By Mary Khon
I am so glad you are back today because I have chisme to share with you. But isn’t this always the case? Siempre tengo chismes to share with you. And why is that? Because I’m always looking out for your own good and want you to be informed, even if it is about the most insignificant thing in the world. ‘Cause at the end, queeridos, it is good be alert, informed, and ready.
This past weekend I went out with a friend of mine. I really didn’t want to go out all because, if you recall, last month I shared with you my desire to, um, be a little more proactive in the dating department. And well, since that decision, my life has been very busy. Who ever said that hooking up is more difficult today than it was before because of the so many apps?
Anyway, this friend, asked me to go out with him. He needed distractions, he said. And since he knows I am well equip for such adventures, he knew I was the right person to help him find such pastimes. And so, off we went into the night to find the needed diversions in order to heal his troubled soul and thirsty heart.
It did not take long to find what he was looking for. Within an hour of being at a local bar he was already having appropriate conversations, which outside that place could easily place him in jail. Happily we were in jotolandia, were conversations about what one can do with one, two, three or four male genitalia sets is no shock.
After sampling the different choices, my friend settled for the man who would become his distraction and attraction for the night. I was introduced to the gentlemen and after having a few words and drinks, the question my friend was waiting for arrived, “So, you want to get out of here?”
That’s right, my queeridos, people still ask that and people still meet in bars and have conversations and end up hooking up. If you find this hard to believe, it is only because you spent your time checking Grindr, Growl, Scruff, Tinder, and all the other gay/sex apps available to you. And instead of taking the time to go out and meet people, you spent your time analyzing abs and chests, measuring dicks, and criticizing faces, only to find exactly what you are looking for but only for the 20 minutes the person is available.
Anyway, my friend says he is now leaving. He tells me he is going to the guy’s place and that he will call me later to check on me. This is our way to protect each other in case the desirable turns out to be some sort of serial killer. It is our way to tell the person that we got his number in case something happens. That’s right, queeridos, we have always been on the alert.
And so my friend leaves and I stayed behind, finishing my drink. I first take a couple of sips and then decide to down what’s left of it because I really want to go home. Halfway home, my phone’s ring interrupts my loud car singing. It is my friend who is asking me to come pick him up right away. I asked him what is wrong but he simply says, “Come and pick me up now, please!” By then, my friend’s location appears on my phone screen and without hesitation I drive to where the GPS takes me.
I arrived to the designated spot and see my friends standing on a street corner, smoking a cigarette. “Are you okay?” I asked as I let him inside the car. “Not really,” he answers. “The man was an idiot.” He adds. “I thought you liked him.” I said not really sure if I should—“Yes, I liked him. I still do. But the fucker told me that he felt so lucky he had been able to pick up a hot sexy Latino.” Not sure how to react I kept silent. Then my friend proceeded to tell me that the guy wanted him to wear a straw hat, not just a straw hat but one of those big straw hats that culturally appropriated restaurants like Chevy’s when employees sing happy birthday to someone. And not only did he wanted my friend wearing a hot, he also asked him only speak in Spanish while doing it.
After hearing my friend’s story, we both kept quiet for a long time and then he said, “Next time I’m using the apps. At least there I know people are racist from the start.”
And with that, we drove away from the hot mess that is our community and headed home.