A View from the Bridge: Notes of an Antiquated Queen


By Mary Khon

Hello, queeridos!

It is that time of the year again! No, I’m not talking about the time when you buy chocolates and flowers for your loved one, although this is the month for that, but that time of the year when, for whatever strange reasons, I am in a perpetual existential state.


Maybe it has to do with the drinking and partying residue from December 1 to January 6, the time I celebrated, drunk, and ate as much as I drink and eat the rest of the year. Or maybe is the fact that since Jan. 1, marijuana is legal in the state and I’ve been, um, exploring every since, or maybe it is just me. Whatever it is, I am in a existential state of mind.


And what does that mean? It means I simply question the reason for everything: Why are there 30 to 31 days in a month? Why twelve months? Why do we call the day “day” and the night “night?” Why is Christmas called “Christmas?” Was Jesus really born in December? If so, why are there shepherds and snow?

Were there really three wise men? And was one of them really a black man? Why do we have five fingers and five toes? Why not four or six? Who invented language? Where did language come from? Why are there so many different languages? Why is it that some languages are “romance languages” and others aren’t? Who invented the alphabet? And who invented the languages that have hieroglyphics instead of letters? Why do always miss a sock when laundry is done? Where does the damn sock go?

Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Why does the chicken cross the street? If La Llorona has been around for so many years, why is she still as young as when she was first spotted? If God exists, why does he allow world calamities to continue? What is God? Why is God a he? If heaven is up and hell is down and the earth is round, isn’t that the same place? Where do we go once we die? Is there life after death? Why is the color red named red? Who named it? When did it happen? Why did it happen?

Why are we here? Who put us here? Are we actually a creation of some super being? If so, where the heck is such super being now? All around us? What’s the point of existing? What is the point of doing things? Of saving the earth? For future generations? What is that have to do with me? I have no children I don’t intent on having any children. So what is the point of it all? I will die some day and when I’m gone. I’m gone.

That’s it. So what is the point of having a house, a car, working forty hours per week if at the end of the week, I’m exactly where I was before, at the beginning of a new week, repeating every single task once again so I can go on existing. But for what purpose? So I can go buy food to eat in order to keep this body alive and then what? Oh yeah, go to work again and repeat the cycle over and over, and over again.
As you can see, my existential state of mind is all about asking questions. And sure, I can go ahead and make an attempt to find the answers but what’s the point of knowing the answer, the reasons, and the explanations. There is no purpose to knowing such trivial things.  Or is there a point to all this? See, I’m even questioning my own questions and thoughts and reflections, and well, round and round I go.


This existential state, queeridos, is a horrible state to be in. While in some sense it is an opportunity to reflect and question the heck out of everything we practice and believe, it is a horrible state to be in because there is never a satisfactory answer to anything. I’m like the five-year old girl and boy who go through the “why stage” in life: “Why this? Why that? Why the other?” After a while it becomes incredibly difficult to do anything at all because all you do is question and question and question again. You reflect and find no answers that can satisfy your existential state of mind.  So you just keep asking, and thinking, and reflecting coming to just one single conclusion: There is no point to anything at all, so might as well just stay where I am, doing nothing just breathing until the body gives up and I cease to exist.


And you know why I am feeling like this? Because I am tired, tired of fighting against my own community where many don’t seem to care what happens to us all under this up-and-coming regime. Because if you have not noticed, things are moving way to fast and in a very scary way… and if you don’t do anything at all, we are all going to end up in an existential state of mind… confused, questioning, and worse, not caring. And that is the worse state of mind to be.