Notes from an Antiquated Queen


ByMary Khon

Hello Queridos! Welcome to yet another edition of this queen delusional ranting hour. I am your host, Mary Khon! In this episode I wanted to talk about the benefits of how being a bottomis incredibly healthy and helpful for your happiness. However, I still need to do more research into the practice of bottoming (and I mean lots and lots more) because although I hear being a bottom is an experience that makes you cry, howl, scream, sing, call out to the gods, and even beg for more, I has no idea what bottoming is all about. No, really I don’t. I mean, like former president Bill Clinton, “I did not have sexual relationship with that woman.” Now, pass the butter, please!

So instead of talking about the benefits of being a bottom, I’m going to talk about… oh, I don’t know… hey, did you know that September is the month where many Latin American countries gained their independence from European countries—mainly Spain? You didn’t know that? Well, now you know. See, you can learn something knew even from this magazine, which I’m sure you picked up to figure out the hours of operation of that place you have been meaning to visit but haven’t been able because you’re afraid. Yes, you know what I’m talking about: Sex Club! And no, there is no shame on going to such places, just be smart, si le vas a dar duro, que sea seguro!

And now… I’m sorry, what? Oh, you’re still wondering what Latin American countries gained their independence in September? GOOGLE IT! That’s what such app is for. Okay, fine I’ll tell you: Belize, Brazil, Chile, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, and Nicaragua. And except for Belize who gained its independence from the UK and Brazil from Portugal, all the other countries gained their independence from Spain. That should clarify the mystery about why for most Latin American countries Spanish is their official language while for Brazil it is Portuguese, and for Belize is English, although Belizean residents speak Kriol. What is Kriol? GOOGLE IT! No, really, Google it; I ain’t your encyclopedia. What I will tell you is that except for Mexico and Chile, which gained their independence in 1810, all the other countries under Spanish colonization gained their independence in 1821, Brazil in 1822, and Belize in 1981.

1981, you exclaim? Yes, 1981! And if you sort of think about it, it’s crazy because while Belize was fighting to gain its freedom from the United Kingdom, many of us were watching the highest grossing movie of 1981: “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” starring my now ex-husband Harrison Ford.

But let’s not mourn the past, okay? I’m only telling you all this because I couldn’t talk about the benefits of being a bottom and also because September is a month full of celebrations here in the bay area, specially in the City by the Bay. Jotitos and jotitas from all over the bay area come to San Francisco and participate in carnavales, parades, and fiestas where we all celebrate being independent from our conquistadores-Spain! The biggest celebration of them all is Mexican independence, which happens on September 16 NOT Cinco de Mayo as most of Trump’s supporters would like you to believe. Why Mexico? Because there are more Mexican immigrants and people of Mexican ancestry in CA and the United State that any other country. And that is easy to understand because part of “America” was once Mexico. This doesn’t mean that other countries celebrating their independence get no attention. Oh, they do, big time. And I’m glad because that gives me the chance to wear my many different dresses and wigs for the many different parades and carnavales going on throughout the month.

Another reason why I decided to talk about independence in place of bottoming is because the Latin American countries that gained their independence in 1821 are a good example of “seizing the day.” What do I mean by that? Well, historically speaking, Spain was having its own battle at home, so while taking care of matters of its own, the Latin American countries took advantage of the Spanish civil war to revolt against them. Thus being strong enough to gain their independence from their oppressors. I imagine the many different countries coming together and discussing their plans: “Girl, did you hear? Spain is not having a good day!” “Oh Costa Rica, I hear, gurrrrrl; and let me tell you, that bitch is going down, and not in a good way, knowwhatImean?” “Well, I say we should part ways ‘cause that queen already got on my nerves.” “I with you Nicaragua! I mean, have you seen her wigs? They’re powdered.” “Honduras is right! She has the worse wigs ever! Don’t you agree Guatemala?” “Gurls, of course I agree, like El Salvador said, ‘that bitch ain’t having a good day. So let’s split!” And so it became to pass that Spain was left behind and those Latin American countries became free. The end!

Now, if you bored because this article is all about Latin American history and you want to complain, go ahead, complain girls. I’m sure the editors of this magazine will listen to you. Honesty, they will. I, on the other hand, well, let’s just say, I’m independent.