Notes of an Antiquated Queen
A Week in the Life of a Sexy Gay Latino Papi

By Mary Khon

Greetings, queridos! And welcome once again to another adventure by your Antiquated Queen. I’m excited because spring season is coming and the papis will soon be wearing tight muscle shirts. Then summer will be here and it will be all about shorts, legs, and bare-chested sexy papis all over the bay.

To know what a Sexy Gay Latino Papi from the bay area does in life, I conducted a six-day experiment in order to share with you what a Sexy Gay Latino Papi does as part of life. I can’t reveal his name and I can’t tell you thatwhat he does applies to everyone but I can tell you that it was exciting to be someone stalker for six days.

First, the boring stuff: The Sundays before and after the week I stalked my idol were all about him cleaning the house and resting. I won’t talk about that because trust me, picking up dirty underwear from the floor and curing hangovers while watching reruns of whatever happens to be on TV is not interesting at all.

Second the monotonous stuff: Monday through Friday from 8 AM to 5 PM was all about the job. And I wish I could say it was thrilling to watch someone sitting at a desk, working on spreadsheets, answering calls, attending meetings, and sipping coffee for 8 hours but it wasn’t. Even lunch hourswere uneventful. That is what happens when you work for cooperate America.

Third, the routine: Wake up time was at 6 AM. Personal hygiene and coffee preparation was from 6:05 AM to 6:45 AM. 15 minutes after that were dedicated to getting dress, combing hair and drinking the first cup of coffee. The next 15 minutes were all about preparing lunch, a light breakfast, including a nutritional shake to drink while driving, and for a second cup of coffee. The rest of the time, from 7:15 AM to 7:55 AM was all about dealing with the rush hour bay area traffic, which is “hell on wheels.” After work, more rush hour traffic hell and then, the exciting life of the Sexy Gay Latino Papi begins. So everything is AFTER work.

Monday: Running. Wait, what? A five-mile run? Okay. I’ll watch you from a distance. After the run a sensible dinner (think salad and broiled chicken), some personal calls and catching up on favorite TV shows: “Looking,”“How to Get Away with Murder,” and “Downton Abbey.” (Sexy Gay Latino Papi is gay alrigh!)

Tuesday: From work to a public event where a friend is sharing some poetry, social interaction with those at the reading while sipping wine. After the event, directly to the gym because Sexy Gay Latino Papi has to keep on the sexy. Good thing I have my phone so I can update my Facebook page while he works out, (sorry, I’m not sharing my pics), for dinner a salad and a protein shake. Where’s my pizza?

Wednesday: I decide to catch up on my telenovelas while he runs another five miles. After his run, we drove into San Francisco to see a play. (OMG! This man is not only intelligent and sexy; he’s also cultured!) The play: The Cable Car Nymphomaniac! (Only in San Francisco.)

Thursday: Dentist appointment (I didn’t know dentist worked after 5pm) then the gym once again, and some grocery shopping afterwards. He bought more vegetables, more chicken, milk, and rice… and everything is organic! Where are the cookies? The ice cream? The soda? Why isn’t he perfect?!?

Friday: Halleluiah for happy hour! No running and no gym, just drinks and a delicious dinner with friends! Afterwards more drinks at aCastro gay bar and some flirting, and then… wait, did he just… Omyga! He’s making out with another guy! My heart is broken! I thought I was his and his alone! The way back home was quiet. He’s happy though; he got the guys’ number.

Saturday: A morning run! I don’t get it! Then laundry, calls to the family, a movie and dinner with friends, and then drinks and dancing at another Castro gay bar. Oh, look, the guy he met yesterday is there too! I think it’s time for me to go away.

At week’s end I learned that “Sexy Gay Latino Papi” is just another man in the world, living a normal life just like most normal people in the bay area. When summer comes he’ll be looking sexy hot in his tight shorts, huge pecs, sexy nipples, and intriguing tattoos.

My conclusion: I’m old; I’m fat, and I want some ice cream! Anyone interested?