Carlos Nov

A VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE: Notes from an Antiquated Queen





Hello Papis and Mamis! How is the fall treating you so far?


So fall arrived and with it some cold weather…. But this is California how cold is really cold here? I mean, really. Let’s be realistic, hunties, there is really no cold weather in our golden state. It can get chilly but cold, cold? Not really. So stop complaining that you can’t wear your sexy shorts and tight t-shirts. There is, after all a time for that too. Right now, it is all about the fall and winter looks and celebrations.


November is one of my favorite months for two reasons: El Día de los Muertos and Thanksgiving. On the Day of the Dead, I go to different city celebrations so I can connect with the community and my Mexican roots. That’s right, hunties, this antiquated queen is a Mexican import, and a very good import at that.


Anyway, at the many Day of the Dead celebrations, I dressed up, looking like La Catrina and parade around hoping to pick up a man or two. Yes, I know I’m supposed to be connecting with the community and my roots, but honey, times are hard and one must never waste a minute. One must always be alert and ready to, um, help those men who are in greater need. Besides, do you think that looking like La Catrina is not going to force the wild side to come out of any man, gay or straight? Trust me, they all want a pick a bone with me.


Then, Thanksgiving comes and I’m a total different person. Why? Well, first of all, the celebration is not really very kosher, after all. The Pilgrims came in and took the land from the Native Americans, so “thanking” God for that is not really something to celebrate but this is America, damn it! We celebrate no matter what!


So I follow the tradition, mainly because I live here and I get the days off so what else am I going to do but celebrate? And how do I do that? By not going shopping and by not eating turkey because I hate both, shopping and turkey. That’s right, hunties, I may be a queen but shopping is not in my genes, which has caused great problems with potential suitors who expect me to “buy them” stuff all the time. But, um, no, I do not, and I repeat, I do not do shopping.


Nonetheless, I still do some sort of celebration. I dressed up and attend a dinner or two, NOT to celebrate but to eat for free because nothing tastes better than a free meal. Besides, it is exactly at this type of gatherings where alcohol is served and men get all cozy and lover-like. If you’re lucky, and most of the time I am, you end up taken home not only some leftovers but also some dessert… and a man or two.Hey, don’t judge me! The age of slut shaming is over… or should be over.


If I happen not to get luck at one of those Thanksgiving gatherings, then, I go to the movies, where droves of people go either because they don’t celebrate that day or because they are just fed up of being around family. Many of those people are men who are; again, a little tipsy so I work my magic and voilà, dessert is being served at home.


I also like the month of November because I get to wear my winter clothes, meaning, I can hide under many layers of clothes in order not to feel self-conscious while standing next to people who carry zero fat on their bodies. Trust me, I see them all the time. They are so damn skinny that I’m always thinking that they are walking Halloween decorations or bones for my dogs. I love the weather at this time of year because I can wear scarves, scarves, and more scarves! And oh, don’t forget the sweaters, but not ugly sweaters, hunties, I may be old, but I’m not blind or fashion impaired.


So if you happen to be celebrating El Día de los Muertos or Thankgiving, just look me up. I may be La Catrina character standing or sitting next to you, or even better, right behind you. And when it comes to Thanksgiving, I may be the person holding the supper size bucket of popcorn at the movie theater. So if you see me, don’t be shy, say hello, hunties, I don’t bite. Well, I do bite, it all depends what outfit I happen to be wearing. Ta-ta dhaling! Do say hello and save some of those sweets for our after celebration gathering. I promise you, you won’t regret it!