I want a Baby

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Dear Maria:

My partner and I have been together for over four years. We are married, no matter what the State says. We are both settled and have great jobs. I work from home. The money is good and we have just bought a house in a family neighborhood.

I want a baby and my partner is dead set against it. We talked in passing about having kids in the past and I guess I did just assume that he would want kids. He says that there is too much prejudice and that our kid would have a hard time having two dads. I disagree. I think we can love our child enough so that the prejudice will not matter. Should I stay or go? I really want a kid and cannot imagine my life without children.

Childless

Dear Childless:

Have you actually talked about your deep desire in a way that conveys how important this is to you? Talking is the first step. Communicate your wishes to your mate without trying to sell him on the idea. Just express how significant this is to you and how very much you want a child.

Listen to your mate’s objections. Ask your mate if he would want children if prejudice were not an issue. Find out what his real objections are. Be supportive of his fears. Help him to see another side to his perspective. Do not put his fears or concerns down and do not dismiss them as unimportant. His reservations are as legitimate as your desires.

What is/was your mate’s experience with prejudice? Is it different from yours? Prejudice is a hideous thing, but it is based on ignorance, and ignorance can be defeated. Perhaps this is the conversation to have. What is each of your perspectives on prejudice and how do you find peace? Perhaps this is an underlying issue that needs to be balanced before any decisions are made.

Keep in mind that this is not a “you/him” thing. You are not against one another. You want different things and both of your wishes are equally important. Be respectful.

Once you have had this conversation, once you have both expressed your positions, walk away and let things breath for a time. Do not argue about this. Agree to discuss it further in a few days or couple of weeks, but be clear that the subject is not settled and must be addressed again in the near future. Do not set up the forthcoming conversation as a threat.

Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with a therapist who works with children of gay parents. Go to a school and speak with counselors and students. Find a support group. There is a great deal of assistance and you need not go this alone.

Perhaps you could become mentors to a child? Being around a child might make the decision for both of you. Offer to baby-sit, volunteer at a school, get children into your lives and go from there.

The decision to have children is the same for everyone. There are so very many different types of families, and you are 100% correct about love being the main ingredient to having a healthy happy child.

Relationships go through major crossroads many times during the course of a lifetime together and compromises have to be made on both sides. Do you want a child or do you want to raise a child with your mate? These are two very different things. You also must be certain as to your reasons for wanting a child. Meditate on this and get really clear. Ask yourself the hard questions. Do not avoid your truest feelings.

You are already discussing leaving your mate if he does not agree to have children. Why have you jumped immediately to ending the relationship as a solution to your problem? Is this a warning directed at your mate or do you feel certain that you cannot remain in a relationship without children? Leaving should be the very last alternative to this problem. I would take this option off the table. You are a long way from this point.

If you are having relationship issues, Maria Etta Anabel is now accepting new clients. You may reach her at ellobousa@yahoo.com

By Maria Etta Anabel

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