Monogamy: What does it really mean? Can You Heal?

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Marriage is a contract between you and your partner. If you have both agreed to monogamy, then any violation is considered a breach of that contract. Breaking a contract is the same as breaking your word and if you are cheating, then you have injured your honor.

More important than your honor is the fact that you have wounded the trust between you and your partner. You have changed your agreement without consulting your partner. Most likely you have broken your mate’s heart.

People cheat on their partners for all kinds of reasons. The consequences of making a choice like this can change the nature of your relationship forever. Is it justified? Is the relationship repairable? Should you forgive a partner who has cheated? Will they cheat again?

The myriad of answers to the above questions could go on forever. Each relationship is different and in the end, each partner will have to answer these questions.

What exactly constitutes cheating? Are internet relationships considered a rupture of your commitment to your mate? Is looking and lusting after a passerby a cheat? Is kissing a deception? Is a crush on your neighbor a mortal breaking of your bond?

Defining monogamy is something each couple must do for themselves. You must agree on the definition for your relationship. Both partners must be comfortable with the definition and both partners must fully agree.

The most important question that has to be answered for the partner who has been cheated, the “cheatee,” is WHY. Understanding why, exactly why, your partner has cheated on you can go a long way towards forgiveness and moving on with the relationship.

The “why” question is also important to the “cheater” as you must understand your behavior to create an appropriate response to your choice. Understanding the real reason that you were unfaithful is key to deciding if you need to leave or work on the relationship or if you need to heal an imbalance in yourself.

Discussing the affair is another step that has to be taken to mend a relationship that has been broken. The pain of hearing of an affair will probably be more than the “cheatee” can bear. All questions must be answered honestly, openly and fully.

If you are the “cheater” and attempting to heal your relationship, then be willing to discuss your choice several times as clarification may be necessary to satisfy your mate’s need for understanding. You should also be willing to let things rest when your mate can stand no more of your account.

As the “cheatee” you must not personalize your mate’s affair. Blaming yourself for his choice is not conducive to healing. It is important, however, to understand your mate’s need to have an affair.

If the “why” involves your lack of connectedness to your mate, then you will need to deal with this particular disparity. Again, even if you are not connected well with your mate, you are still not to blame. Your mate should have discussed this situation and worked on it with you instead of cheating.

Blaming does absolutely no good for anyone. The “cheater” may have chosen to violate the contract of marriage, and the reasons may or may not be valid, however, the break is paramount to the issue of monogamy in and of itself.

Whether you are the “cheatee” or the “cheater,” a decision must be made by you as to whether or not you wish to stay in the relationship. At some point, forgiveness is the only way home. Total and complete forgiveness is necessary to restore trust.

Remember, part of the marriage contract is trust. If you cannot forgive your mate for having an affair, then that is an equal or greater violation than his cheating on you. Be honest.

“Cheatee” you cannot make your mate pay for their “sin” for the rest of their life. Holding someone on the cross for a long period of time is devastating to the relationship. You must both move on.

Monogamy is a choice. Definitions may vary. Forgiveness is possible. A better relationship is achievable. Discussion is healing. Acceptance and renewed commitment is essential.

If you and your mate are working on your relationship and would like to work with Maria, you may contact her at: ellobousa@yahoo.com

By: Kellie Lee Owen

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