NY Res: I want a Mate

Is your New Year’s Resolution to get a mate? The perfect man/woman will have (Insert your list of Must Haves here). Now go back and read that list. How many of your future mate’s “must haves” are on the list to make up for your deficiencies? A mate is supposed to compliment you, not be a substitute for the things you must do to evolve as a human.

Is your list filled with superficialities? Of course we must be attracted to our mates, but do they really need to look like a perfect haired Justin Bieber? Yes, we want them to be able to support themselves, but do they need Oprah’s money to do that? Smart is all important, but it might be a bit much to want them to be Anderson Cooper?

I am all for being specific and asking for what you want, however, you must be aware of the reasoning behind the trait you simply cannot live without. It is extremely important to be clear, but if you are clearly asking for a mate that fixes all your problems, then you are not really asking for a mate. You are asking to fix your problems.

Could your list be more about forestalling a mate rather than getting one? Are your expectations based on evasion rather than embracement? High standards are not at issue here, it is the motivation behind the “Must Have” list that is in question.

Before you put it out to the Universe that you are ready and truly want a mate, be sure about your list’s underlying incentives. Knowing what you want is great, but knowing why you want it is all important.

Let’s say you want a powerful, driven mate? Is that because that is what you want in your mate or is it because you feel weak and powerless? Do you really want someone who is sweet and gentle or do you want someone who is submissive and subservient, so that they will do what you want them to do?

And, yes this list might be filled with childhood imbalances. Perhaps you were the least favorite of the siblings, so you want someone who will worship you? It could be that your list compensates for the injustice you saw in your parents’ marriage.

Understanding your motivation in making your “future mate” list is more important than the list itself. If you want someone who is strong-willed and powerful because you feel out of control, would not a person who connected to you feel as if he HAD to control everything? You would once again be at square one. Your mate would have all the power and you would be controlled and powerless again.

Perhaps you will go the opposite way. You felt you had no control as a child so you marry a mate who chooses to let you control everything? You are now in control, but you have not attracted a participatory mate.

Knowing why you want a mate to have particular quality can help you to grow and evolve and to truly be more ready for a mate. When you progress you may find that you no longer care about a certain specification you once thought necessary in a mate.

Remember you get what you ask for and asking for the wrong qualities in a mate will bring you those qualities and that mate. Learn more about yourself. Find out why your list has the items listed on it and find yourself.

My list was vague at best. I got what I did not even know I wanted. My mate is the funniest person I know. He literally makes me laugh every day. I would never have put sense of humor on my list before I met my mate of 20 years. I did not laugh much and did not really even see the need to laugh.

My mate’s hair was definitely on my list, but not at the top. It was not a necessity, yet he has the most perfect hair in the world. I would never have put chubby on the list, yet his being chubby, perfectly flatters my own chubbiness.

Ultimately, I think my list had one very crucial item on it. I wanted to feel loved. My mate not only loved me, but through my mate, I learned to love myself.

I would never advise someone to be as vague as I was, because I was obviously putting out a list of which I was not conscious. My list must have said “perfect mate for me” because that is what I got.

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By Maria Etta Anabel