Do you stay in relationships way past the sell-by date? Do you feel incomplete unless someone is in your co-pilot seat? If you sat down and did the math, would the number of days since junior high you have spent with a man outnumber the days without a man 1000 to one? Do you defend your need for a mate by saying it is unnatural for us to be alone? If you answered these questions with a resounding yes, it may be time to move to a deserted island. You are a relationship addict.
I have a client who has literally never been without a mate. As a teen, he went from boy to boy and was rarely without a boyfriend. He moved directly from his family home to an unhealthy relationship and stayed for 22 years. His mate finally left, about 15 years too late, but he did finally leave. The client was in a new relationship before his mate had completely packed his bags. He has been in this relationship for four years and is no happier than he was in the marriage. He has plans to leave, but only when he finds another mate. He searches the Internet daily.
Being in a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship can be one of the most amazing and spiritually satisfying experiences one can enjoy. Being in an unhealthy, unhappy, debilitating relationship can be one of the most painful and life-depleting experiences we may ever endure.
I do not believe we are “meant” to be in a relationship, nor do I believe that we are “not meant” to be in a relationship. I believe that some people choose to be in relationships and some do not. One is not better than the other. Being in an unhealthy relationship and needing to be in a relationship regardless of whether it is healthy or not is possibly as negative an experience for us as addicted to crystal meth. Continually choosing unhealthy relationships because it is better than being alone is denial in its most critical form.
Our mates come into our lives to help us to evolve. They can do this by pushing all the wrong buttons until we either grow or explode. They can also do this by lovingly and gently guiding us to the next step of our evolution. Our purpose in our mate’s life is to help him to evolve as well.
If we keep this “golden rule” in mind, we can look at every aspect of our relationship and we can ask ourselves, “is he helping in my evolution?” You must also ask this question of yourself, “Am I helping in his evolution?”
I am not suggesting that because you have a few fights and difficult times that you drop your mate. I am suggesting that you look closely at your need to be in a relationship and weigh that against the type of relationship you are presently in.
Needing to be in a relationship is no different than needing anything in life. The difference is in the way in which you meet your need. Drug addicts need their drugs. Human beings need love. The question then becomes, “are you looking for love,” but using it as a drug. There is a very big difference between need and addiction.
When I come up against this issue with a “perpetual offender”–i.e. a client who goes from relationship to relationship–I suggest that they attempt to live alone or with roommates. I suggest that they go to movies, shopping or dinner alone. Practice being alone. Practice enjoying your own company. When you fill the void inside of you with love for self, respect for self, then the “need” for a relationship ceases to become all consuming.
If you are able to practice and eventually enjoy being alone, then it may be safe to pursue a relationship. The next step in stopping relationship addiction is to move very, very slowly when you next meet a potential mate. Moving too quickly can be another sign of being a relationship addict.
Moving slowly is a great way to stay in control of your need and to satisfy it in a healthy way. Talk on the phone, email, text, etc. once per day. ONCE. See one another once per week. ONCE. Move slowly when it comes to sex as well. You will not die if you only kiss on the first few dates. If he pushes, explain your situation.
If your prospective beau does not understand or will not cooperate, this is not a sign to immediately get married as most relationship addicts believe it to be. It is, a sign that you may need to either make your boundaries a lot clearer or move on. Remember if he is there as a soulmate, his purpose is to help you to evolve. If he refuses to be a part of your evolution, then you have chosen poorly and must go back to step one. Take yourself to a movie and block your prospective beau from your phone, email, etc.
Learning to be happy by yourself is the key to successfully ending relationship addiction. When you are happy by yourself, you are a whole and complete person and that is what you have to offer your future mate. When you are addicted to relationships for the sake of relationships, you are not whole and you cannot offer your future mate the best of you. If you love this person, you will want to offer him the very best.
If you are a relationship addict and would like to use Energy Therapy as a means of balance you may contact Maria at: firstname.lastname@example.org
By Maria Etta Anabel