Sex is vital to a healthy, happy, balanced relationship. Your sex life can tell you a lot about your relationship. Is your sex life filled with joy, orgasms and love or do you hold back and give less than all?
Pleasing our partners is essential to a happy sex life. When our partners ask us to do something beyond our normal boundaries do we willing participate or do we say no? What is the RIGHT answer? There is NO right answer.
It is very important to experiment and try new things, but if your partner is asking you to do something with which you are uncomfortable then ask yourself, why you are uncomfortable? If you are not willing to try something new because it will violate you or harm you in some way, then by all means respect your boundaries and expect the same of your mate.
If however, your answer is no and you do not know exactly why, then start asking yourself some questions. Are you uncomfortable because the physical act is violating or makes you feel violated? If it makes you feel violated, then ask why that is.
Many issues come up in our sex life. We are at our most vulnerable, so we may have certain protection mechanisms in place that allow us to feel safe, to protect us. Why do you need protection from your mate?
Let’s assume for this article’s sake that you have a healthy, respectful, loving and supportive mate. Let’s assume that under no circumstances would your mate harm you in any way. Now let’s assume your mate wants to try something a little beyond the norm for you.
You should never say yes to keep your mate or because you are afraid of losing your mate. Saying yes should come from a place of love. Say yes because you are willing to try something because you love your partner and it will please them and therefore, you.
This is a thin line to walk, but if you are in a largely healthy relationship, then experimenting because your mate wants to try something new is a loving and generous gesture. It is not “giving in.”
Although not quite the equivalent of “I’ll wash the dishes because he hates doing dishes,” there is much common ground. There is also much communal ground if you do the dishes because she cooked the meal. Good sex can require compromise and negotiation, just like cleaning the house does.
There are so many ways to satisfy one’s sexual needs and desires and there is no judgment to be made about what is okay or not okay. What is safe and comfortable for both parties is the only relevancy here.
We must stretch beyond our horizons on all things if we are to evolve and grow. Sex is no different. Trying something new is the same as trying to ride a bike.
If your mate lives to ride a bike and bike riding is just beyond your capacity and you have given it a fair try, then a compromise must be made that requires no or little bike riding from you. If, however, you are willing to ride your bike even though it is not your favorite thing, then a compromise can be made that allows you to ride your bike sometimes.
We have made sex into a big deal because our society has made sex into a big deal. There are so many value judgments made about sex. It is really no different than any other part of our relationship.
Many of our sexual hang-ups come out when we are in a relationship. Sex is one of the three leading factors that cause divorce. Getting stuck in a routine can like anything, become boring and unsatisfying.
You need not leap from the chandelier onto to your mate’s back and ride her around like a pony when she comes home, on the other hand, why not leap from the chandelier wearing nothing but a dildo?
The idea here is to try anything safe at least once or twice, and learn to understand why you say no. If your no is because you feel embarrassed or ashamed then tell your mate what you are feeling and work things out with him. Let her help you to feel safe and excited rather than embarrassed and ashamed.
Think of all the things you would have missed out on if you had not at least tried them. Think of your favorite activity and remember when you first started. Maybe you were not the best on day one, but if you kept trying you got better and better.
Treat sex like any other activity or part of your relationship. Make it enjoyable. Be selfish; tell your mate you want to try something new and different. Compromise and be understanding. Spice is the variety of life and sex.
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