Shoppin’ for a New Man


Okay, the last relationship was painfully disappointing but, hey, my good man, Onward! This time there is a way to ensure you have a much, much higher probability of success in terms of having that dream relationship, complete with the dream sex life.

First, let’s take a look at what’s going wrong so far. If you’re anything like the rest of America, then when it comes to romance, you are probably guilty of failing to perform what they call in the business world, your “due diligence.” Most people spend a lot more time researching, shopping and thinking more about their next car, their next house, or even their next Mezlan loafers than they do thinking, really thinking, about their future relationship. Maybe hook-ups of the past had to be furtive and hurried but honestly, is there really any rush?

Take the time to conduct an intentional interview. The intentional interview is a lot like any interview except that it’s more important and it never ends.  You’ve already learned the hard way what doesn’t work for you: men who bite (or who don’t), costumes (or no costumes), and guys who never learned how to give or receive love. Those painful memories are, well, painful. But remember, no one changes until the pain gets bad enough. 

Due diligence has two acts. The first is sussing out universal deal breakers like an unresolved mental illness, problems with substance abuse, or a penchant for emotional, or even physical abuse. These are universal deal breakers because no one, not even Mr. Perfect, can have a great relationship under these conditions. With mental illness or substance abuse, he isn’t really there with you. They may be in the room with you but they’re not with you. So things are lonely. Emotional or physical abuse? The problem there is that none of us can have a good relationship with someone until we have first established a safe relationship. Got it? Safe comes before good. It’s a rule you can’t afford to ignore.

Personal deal breakers are different. Some of us can handle a guy who smokes, no problem. The rest of us find it disappointing at first, then tiresome, before ultimately, you’re explaining to a judge, “and that, Your Honor, is exactly why I deserve to keep the condo in Malibu.” You see, if you’re a loving person, falling in love is the easy part.

And what about that great sex life? Well, that’s also part of the intentional interview even if you’ve already tried out the merch. That’s right, just because we’re both gay and we had a great time that first month, well, there’s still the issue of sexual compatibility. “But he’s so hot! “

There are more sexual issues than we have time to discuss here, but let’s look at a few: Sexual frequency? Ask yourself, ideally, if you could have the perfect sex life with someone, how often would you want to have sex, you know, once the honeymoon has come and gone? If one of you has a number that is something like a fraction of the other then, yes, you can be in love, but you cannot be compatible or happy in the long run. PDAs? Ask how comfortable he is on “a scale of one to ten” rather than the binary, “Comfortable or not?” If your numbers are pretty different you might want to take the man at his word rather than trying to get him to change. He won’t. Is he out with his family? Is he into rough sex? Does he plan on entertaining a few sexual extras while filming your epic love?

Is this the relationship for you? After all, passion and attraction are important, but so are a lot of other variables. Something worth remembering: Love and passion are necessary, but they alone are not enough. So keep that overnight bag ready.


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