What if someone told you that you could have whatever you wanted, that you could change your life in an instant; that you could be all that you chose? What if they told you that you already do have all that you chose?
Recently I was having lunch when a tweeker sat down beside me and like little Miss Muffet, I was frightened away. Then, I decided to sit back down and see what he was all about.
I found he was exactly like me. I choose food, depression and pot to avoid the world and he chooses meth. I began my usual spiel that he could change his life, one tiny step at a time. He walked away inspired, higher from our conversation than from the meth and really thinking about making the changes he needed to make.
This made me think about my own life and my feelings that I have wasted it. I have not seen clients in some time and writing takes only a couple of hours per month, so why have I been depressed and dysfunctional for nearly two year?
I know the rules. Think, feel and create. I know that I have been feeling sad and depressed, but why do I choose to continue to feel this way? Why would my new tweeker friend, who chose to sit next to someone who has great ideas about how to get your life under control, go out within minutes of our conversation and likely light up again?
I came home and while looking for one thing on the internet, found a great opportunity for a one night gig to do a radio talk show giving callers relationship advice. Could there possibly be anything closer to my desires?
Quickly I contacted the radio people and the position had just been filled. Why, I wondered had I drawn something so close to my dream and then missed it? Why had the tweeker sat next to an Energy Therapist/Life Coach, when he was going to go straight out and smoke the minute we parted?
We have the power to do or be anything we want, to have anything we want, yet why do we choose to be fat, doped-out, sad, depressed, broke, unemployed, and dysfunctional? Once we know we have the power to choose why do we continue to make life depleting choices?
I have not seen clients recently because I feel like a hypocrite, telling people they can do or be anything when I do not move through this depression/anxiety issue. Why did the tweeker even bother with an inspirational conversation when he was just going to do meth as soon as it was over? Why did I draw my life’s dream and then lose it, all within a ten minute time period?
If you could get whatever you wanted and all you had to do was to walk ten miles, you may choose to sit this one out. You may choose to walk it, bitching all the way. You may run it so excited by the opportunity, appreciative and joyful, hardly feeling the walk at all. You may be in a wheelchair, and you may work the hardest of all, yet be the only one who actually makes it to the finish line.
The one who sits it out is the one that is the hardest for me to understand. I am that person. My best friend and sister are the bitchers. My dad is in the wheelchair. Many of my friends are running and happy to be on the trail.
How do I become the one who is happy to be on the trail? How do I change my bad habits, my dysfunctionality, and my depression/anxiety?
I have written inspirational/Self-help articles for years, yet I continue on a life-depleting path? WHY?
And, there is the answer. I continue to be less than I want to be because I choose to be less. It is easier than walking the figurative ten miles. That is what dysfunctionality is: Choosing the path that SEEMS easier. Eating the chocolate cake, sleeping ‘til noon, smoking the pipe, being depressed are all easier when they are the same choice you make over and over again.
The fact that the radio job even exists and while looking for something unrelated I not only found it, but applied for it, is proof that all hope is not lost. The fact that I am writing this very difficult article is confirmation that I want to do and be more. The fact that I am still thinking about making better choices is a sign to myself, brought in by me to inspire me to get up a bit earlier, to eat a fragment less, to smoke pot for two hours instead of 24. To continue to hope and to continue to know that one day, I will be all I choose to be.
Like the tweeker who brought me into his life, I am hope because I am alive.
Love to hear your story. How did you become/How are you becoming functional? Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Maria Etta Anabel