By: Dr. Nancy Paloma Collins – LMFT
Hola Corazones,
This month, I want to talk about a kind of heartbreak we don’t discuss enough: loving someone while slowly realizing you don’t like the person you have become in the relationship.
A reader recently wrote:
Dear Paloma,
I’ve been with my partner for several years, and I know I love him. He isn’t a horrible person, and I wouldn’t even describe our relationship as toxic. That’s what makes this so confusing.
But lately I don’t recognize myself. I overthink everything I say. I avoid bringing things up because I don’t want another argument. I see my friends less. I’m not as confident as I used to be. Even sexually, I feel disconnected from myself.
Sometimes I look at old pictures and think, “Where did that version of me go?”
Do you have to leave someone just because you don’t like who you are when you’re with them?
Corazón, what a powerful question. Sometimes the question isn’t simply, “Do I still love this person?”
Sometimes we also need to ask:
“Can I still be me while loving this person?”
Love Is Not the Only Measure of a Relationship
We have romanticized love so much that we sometimes treat it as the final answer.
“But I love them.”
I hear this often.
And I believe you.
You can deeply love someone and still feel lonely beside them. You can love someone and no longer feel emotionally safe expressing yourself. You can love someone and realize that you have been shrinking parts of yourself to keep the relationship functioning.
Love matters.
But so do emotional safety, respect, reciprocity, friendship, sexual connection, individuality, and the freedom to exist fully inside the relationship.
The presence of love does not automatically mean the relationship is meeting the needs of both people.
Pay Attention to the Version of You That Shows Up
Instead of only analyzing your partner, get curious about you.
Who are you becoming in this relationship?
Do you apologize constantly?
Have you stopped doing things you once enjoyed?
Do you censor yourself because you’re worried about how your partner will react?
Have you become responsible for everyone’s emotions except your own?
These questions aren’t meant to immediately prove that your relationship is unhealthy.
They’re invitations to notice.
Because sometimes our bodies and behaviors recognize a problem long before we’re ready to name it.
And Sometimes, Your Partner Isn’t the Villain
This part matters.
Not every relationship that needs attention has a villain.
Sometimes two good people create a dynamic that isn’t good for either of them.
Sometimes old wounds collide.
Sometimes resentment accumulates quietly.
Sometimes one person grows while the other becomes afraid of what that growth means.
Sometimes a relationship that once fit beautifully no longer fits the people you have become.
That doesn’t automatically make either person bad.
But avoiding the truth because nobody did something “terrible enough” can keep people emotionally stuck for years.
Before Asking “Should I Leave?” Ask yourself:
What parts of yourself have gone missing?
And then:
Can those parts of you exist inside this relationship again?
Can you speak honestly?
Can you reconnect with your friendships?
Can you express your needs without immediately feeling guilty?
Can your partner tolerate your growth?
Can the two of you create something different together?
Those answers may tell you more than any relationship checklist ever could.
Dear Corazón
You don’t have to hate someone to acknowledge that something needs to change.
You don’t have to prove that your relationship is toxic before taking your unhappiness seriously.
And you don’t have to make a life-changing decision today simply because you’ve finally admitted that you’re unhappy.
Start with curiosity.
Find yourself again.
Spend time with the people who remind you who you are. Return to the music, places, hobbies, friendships, movement, sexuality, creativity, and little rituals that once made you feel alive.
Then notice what happens when you begin taking up space again.
Does your relationship make room for that version of you?
That’s a question worth sitting with.
Con cariño, Paloma
Disclaimer:
Dear Paloma, is an advice column for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy, clinical assessment, or a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing emotional distress or need mental health support, please seek services from a licensed mental health professional in your area.