It’s now the year 2021 and I’ve been spending more time at home due to the pandemic. And since it is also winter time I tend to spend more time reflecting on my life, what I’ve done, what I wish I had done, and what I wish to do in the future.
As an antiquated queen, I spent a lot of time thinking of yesteryears and the fun I used to have when gay life was that “love that dare not speak its name.” I think of the days when I used to go to a bar (mostly straight bars) and have drinks with friends while secretly flirting to a guy or two, sending cues that let us know we were on the same team. When finally having time to talk, still in a low voice in order to not be heard, exchanging code like, “Do you go to the same church as me?” or “I love The Wizard of Oz, are you a friend of Dorothy?”
Oh, those were the days… when I could be at a party and swiftly exchange glances with another men who would be holding his girlfriend or wife’s hand, then minutes later we would manage to talk about a possible rendezvous, or simply go to the restrooms and, well, you get the idea.
Today, we are more free to be who we are but, honestly, I miss the excitement of sneaking away and well…. That is the past. Maybe this still happens with younger generations and in places where being gay still is seen as a taboo, a sin, or a medical illness. I’m not saying those days were the best, I mean, not at all, but despite the many disadvantages and the discrimination, those days were exciting and exhilarating.
Being stuck at home, trying to stay away from crowds, and working from home, has given me the opportunity to think about many things, For example the fact that I have made many mistakes and I have burned a few bridges. I have been an immature individual, and someone who was (is) not able to see “the whole picture.”
I know that many people like me. I also know that many people don’t like me. I have one of those personalities that you either like because “she’s funny” or you dislike because “she’s mean.” I’ve been told that I am a “stuck up” person while also been told I’m “very approachable.” I know that people have called me “very approachable” while others have advised people to “stay away from me.”
One example I can give about this dichotomy is about something that happened a few years back. A theatre artist colleague and friend of mine applied together for a “collaborative award.” And as the process to pick the awardees started, my colleague received a call from someone. They were asking my colleague why would he want to collaborate with me when I am “a very difficult person to work with.” My colleague told them he was very happy to have the opportunity to work with me. He didn’t find me difficult and he really wanted the opportunity to collaborate with me. We received 1/2 of the award and I am sure we got that part of the award because of my colleague, not because of me.
During the time my colleague and I collaborated, and the collaboration lasted two years, we discussed the perception about me being a “very difficult person to work with.” We were trying to figure out how, whoever came out with that conclusion, came to that conclusion. We decided that it was my personality, which, as I said before, it comes across as either “very funny” or “very off-putting.”
I know I am a very funny person and I also know I am a very off-putting guy. There is no doubt in mind about that. And why do I know that? Because my personality is funny, and it is also very direct. I don’t go “around the bush.” I say things as I see them. I don’t sugar coat my words. I don’t have a filter when I speak. Correction. I have a filter, I simply chose not to use it. I have no patience for people who just like to complain without purpose, and I definitely don’t have time to deal with people who try to play the victim for everything.
Yes, I am very direct with my words and I realized that for some people, such approach feels like I’m attacking them. I am not. I’m just telling it like it is. The fox is a fox.
For example, I know this article is about me, about what I think and feel. You may agree or disagree with the fact that I’m writing about myself. I really do not care (see off-putting) It is what it is. And that directness is what makes others shutter.
But really, this pandemic has me in pieces and well, I just have to use this article to let some steam out of my system. Stay safe queeridos, life is not as simple as we wish it could be.