Sometimes our partners drive us to near insanity. You feel as though this is the very last thing you can take before you have to be committed, either for being certifiable or for murder.
Reaching this point in a relationship may feel unexplainable. You just get there. Reason goes out the window and you begin criticizing and snapping for no rational justification. Everything he does makes you so angry you cannot see straight. So what do you do?
All relationships go through challenges. If the situation is not a dire state of affairs, then the solution may be as simple as being a better mate.
There is no one to blame, not your mate, not you. Together you have created this situation and balance not accusations is the answer.
Sometimes we feel annoyed with our mates when we are not doing the things that we need to do. It is far easier to blame a mate for coming home late and not calling than it is to realize that your job no longer fulfills you.
Our mates make great scapegoats and what makes you smile one day can cause you to have a screaming episode of epic proportions the next day. Is it really him? Or, is it your personal dissatisfaction?
In all things we must look for balance. If we are unhappy, we must be happy. If we are annoyed, we must find patience. If we are criticizing, we must appreciate. It is truly that simple.
Instead of yelling the next time he leaves his sock on the floor, take a deep breath and say calmly, “please pick up your sock.” He may react defensively, but remember the last time you asked him to pick up his sock, you also gave him a twenty-five minute dissertation of his ineptitude as a human being.
Better yet, just smile and pick up the sock. Be the best mate you can. This does not mean that you should allow yourself to be treated badly or disrespectfully, nor does it mean that you should be used or taken for granted. What it means is that compromise is the best way to make your relationship a positive safe place for both of you.
Being a good mate requires us to have compassion. Instead of feeling angry because he came home late and did not call, remember that he just worked a fifteen hour day. Fix him dinner instead of yelling.
In all things, think of your mate first and ask yourself why he made the choice he did. Do an analysis of his situation. How is his career going? Is his mother slowly falling into a state of dementia? Does he feel old and tired?
In thinking of our mate first, we find compassion. We spend less time focused on our emotions and more time focused on all the elements creating our relationship. You are not ignoring your own feelings, but in looking at his situation, you may find your feelings are less volatile. You may find you are able to make requests instead of tirades.
Always, always think before you speak. Take a deep breath. Count to ten, twenty, one hundred. Leave the room before you begin screaming. Take a walk. Get into nature. Do some yoga. Meditate. Pray. Respond instead of reacting.
In gaining control of yourself, in learning to behave in a loving, nurturing way towards your mate, you may learn to behave in the same compassionate way towards yourself. Compassion towards self is the key to a happy, positive relationship.
Do an analysis of your situation. Is your mother dying? Is your boss abusive? Did you just gain ten pounds you cannot shed?
Each of the elements in your life can be turned into a critical evaluation of your mate. It is easier to blame your mate for eating ice cream every night than it is to add an extra twenty minutes to your exercise regime. If he just stopped eating ice cream, you could stop being tempted and lose your unwanted ten pounds . . . or so it seems.
Of course he must be a part of your healing. He must support your need to lose the ten pounds, but if you asked him to help you instead of yelling at him to give up his favorite treat, you might find cooperation.
For one week, think of your mate first. Find compassion for him and thus yourself. Compromise. Respond. Do not react. Speak calmly instead of yelling. See how much better your relationship becomes. Practice each of these ways of being and soon your mate will begin behaving the same way towards you as you do him. After all, has he not been doing that all along?
Let me know how your relationship has improved by using these simple tools. I would love to hear from you.
If you would like to contact Maria you may email her at: [email protected]
By Maria Etta Anabel