By: Dr. Nancy Paloma Collins – LMFT
Dear Paloma,
I matched with a guy on Grindr and we were flirting, vibing, and decided to meet up. When I showed up, surprise, my ex was there too. Turns out they know each other, and the guy I matched with casually suggested a threesome like this was totally normal (I mean in another situation, maybe).
I froze. I laughed it off and left, but now my mind is spinning. What are the odds? It feels too coincidental. Now I’m wondering if my ex has been stalking me online or tracking my profiles somehow. I feel weird, unsettled, and honestly a little shook.
Am I overthinking this, or is this a red flag situation?
—Matched Into a Mess
Dear Matched Into a Mess,
Dating apps are already a small world. Queer dating apps? Even smaller. Add shared circles, mutual follows, and location-based matching, and suddenly the universe starts feeling like it has a sense of humor.
Running into your ex through a match isn’t automatically a conspiracy, but it is emotionally loaded.
Let’s separate the shock from the facts.
First: coincidence is more common than we think on location-based apps. If you and your ex live, swipe, and socialize in overlapping spaces, digital and physical, your networks will eventually collide. That’s math, not necessarily stalking.
Second: the threesome suggestion may have felt casual to them but your discomfort is the only metric that matters for you. You are never required to be “cool” just to keep up with someone else’s comfort level. A surprise reunion plus a surprise invitation is a lot for one doorway.
Third: when something jolts us emotionally, the brain looks for intention. That’s human. But discomfort does not automatically equal danger. Before deciding you’re being tracked, look for patterns, repeated contact, boundary violations, messages, monitoring behavior. One awkward crossover is a moment. A pattern is a concern.
Also, let’s name this gently, unexpected ex sightings can reopen emotional files we thought were archived. Sometimes what lingers isn’t fear… it’s unresolved feeling.
You didn’t overreact. You listened to your body, exited, and protected your comfort. That’s not dramatic — that’s regulated.
Small app. Big feelings. Clean exit. Solid instinct.
Disclosure
Dear Paloma is written by Dr. Nancy Paloma Collins, PhD, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert. This column is for educational and informational purposes only and does not replace therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. Submitting a question does not establish a therapist-client relationship.