Have You Ever Been In Love With A Straight Man?

OK guys today I’m coming to you as Saul Rivera, who was the gay boy me back in the day. I haven’t been him for over ten years but for the sake of this story I must speak to you as him. I was raised in a small city outside San Diego called Escondido. I went to school there from the first grade ’till I graduated from Orange Glen High School sometime in the early 90’s. My childhood and teen years were not as bad or tragic as I wanted to think they were back in the day but the one life experience of my life that made up the rest of my life was when I, as a closeted gay boy, fell in love with my best friend who went on to become the captain of the football team. And no I was not a cheerleader. We actually met in junior high and then when high school started we became instant best friends. But me as a closeted gay boy knew from day one that if I became best friends with this hot looking jock boy I was going to fall in love with him. So I tried my hardest to not befriend him but alas fate stepped in and kept putting us together any chance it had. So needless to say we became best friends and I fell in love with him.

samara_octSo for the next four years of high school I was tormented with my love for this straight boy. I couldn’t tell him about my feelings because I felt I would either lose his friendship or he might beat me up. I mean I was a kid; I knew nothing about life. However he was the nicest, sweetest guy ever. That was part of the reason why I fell in love with him. Well I never told him my feelings for him and I eventually had to stop being friends with him until we graduated and went our separate ways. And to this day I’ll always wonder if it could have been between us. I mean you never know. He could have been gay himself he was just not out like me. I’ll never know. Well these are just the basics of this story but don’t worry if you want to hear the whole story in detail I am now working on the book of this life experience that shaped the rest of my life.

The only other two times that I have come close to being in love have also been with straight men when I was a gay boy. The second time was when I was doing community service in North Hollywood at an animal shelter. This cute, nice, Mexican man that worked there was just the nicest papi around and he treated me like a lady. By this time I was pretty much out of the closet as a young gay man but I was not flaunting it all over the place. I’m pretty sure he knew that I was a gay boy but it was just not spoken. He was just so nice and sweet with me that I almost fell in love with him. Too bad he was happily married to a woman. Nothing ever happened but not because I didn’t want it to. And the third time was in Hollywood when I was working as a sushi/cocktail waitress, a lot more fem by this time, at a straight club on Las Palmas Ave. There was this security guard who was so hot, sexy, and super nice to me. Well needless to say I almost fell in love with him. We were friends for a couple of years and since he was so nice and sweet with me I just had to almost fall in love with him. Well he had a girlfriend so again nothing ever happened but not because I didn’t want it to. Lol.

Well I don’t know what it was about me as a young gay man who was always falling in love with straight men? Some people would say that I fall for the impossible because deep down I don’t really want a relationship. Or maybe I just felt like a woman the whole time and falling in love with a straight man seemed the right thing to do. When I was a gay boy I never fell in love with another gay. I don’t know why? It just never happened. I think one of the reasons I fell for these straight men was because I met them at places where I used to have to be there with them for hours and befriend them and that’s how I got to know them and fall in love with them. Well now my ideal relationship would be to fall in love with someone I know as a friend first and then fall in love. So, here’s hoping.