Of Mothers & Gays
Hola papis hermosos y sexys! I hope all is well, and I said that despite the fact that my life is muy turbulenta at this moment. But before I even tell you about that, because I’m going to tell you about that whether you like it or not, I wanna talk about a couple of things, or three or four.
This month is mainly dedicated to our sweet and loving mamás so don’t waste any time and buy your mamá some flowers, a nice expensive present, and take her out to eat. Why? Because she gave you life, that’s why, sweetie. LIFE! If you happen to be in bad terms with your mamá because she doesn’t accept you, still buy her flowers and send them to her; show her that despite her blindness you still think of her, and most of all you have class. If your mamá is no longer with you, still buy some flowers, take them to her resting place or put them somewhere in the house where you can honor her spirit. That’s right, papi. Because even after she has gone away, your mamá still deserves to be respected and remembered. Why? Because as long as you remember your love ones, they are alive, in your memory, in your thoughts, in spirit; people do not die until they are forgotten.” All right, enough with the public announcement. I think this short paragraph will count for my community service, which I had to do because I was giving it in the street and I got caught—“por pendeja,” dice mi mamá.
This month is important to be positive and continue to fight for what is right in our world. Remember, we have a lot of hateful people out there, people who use “religion” as a means to discriminate against what they don’t like. Sure, they can call it “religious protection” but we all know that in reality we all need to “watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” At least that’s what my favorite fiction book says.
And speaking of fiction books, the drought we are experiencing is not a joke and is not fiction. I only mention this, dhalings, because I was in the middle of some, well, one-on-one, and having a great time mind you, when suddenly the innocent creature exclaimed, and I quote, “I’m glad is not raining at all. I hate the rain because it ruins my day.” And because he was about to reach the point of no return I thought he was delirious but he was incredibly serious. The moment I realized it my water almost broke. Luckily I’m very conscious of the drought so I decided to impart a few words of wisdom along with some cachetadas guajoloteras. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t bring any sense into this queen so slowly I pulled away, zip up his zipper and in one single motion I said, “Bye Felicia.”
Now, my chisme: I’m devastated because my good-for-nothing man doesn’t want to give me anything for Mother’s Day. He told me, “Mary Khon, if you’re a woman and a mother, I’m a millionaire.” The bastard! Guess who pays for his six-pack of Tecate? I do. And so what if sometimes I get him Budweiser instead? Guess who cooks for him? I do. And so what if cooking means delivery? Guess who washes and irons his clothes? I do! And so what if I send his clothes to the cleaners? Guess who cleans the house and makes sure his favorite shows are recorded in the DVR? I do! And so what if I only clean twice a month and the shows recorded are Golden Girls, Amor de Pasiones, and Little House in the Prairie? Oh, and who takes care of his children? I do! And so what if the children are dogs? There are four of them. FOUR! Most of the time I feel like “The Nanny.” As you can imagine my suffering is too real, comadres. Don’t you think that after all the sacrifices and mi lucha to satisfy his needs, desires, and life, I deserve some mother’s day loving? Don’t I? DON’T I? Sorry, I don’t mean to get emotional; I just can’t handle the fact that my good-for-nothing man doesn’t want to take me out on mother’s day. Okay I’m done with this rant. It’s best to stay calm. Oh, I almost forgot, Feliz Día de las Madres, mamá!
Next month is JOTO MONTH! Yes, I said, “joto” because that’s what we are: Jotos! And if you are ashamed of the word, get over it and be proud of your jotería! I’ll talk about that next month! For now, start unpacking and cleaning your leather chaps and beads, your S&M gear, and your colorful beads because the time to celebrate is coming! Feel the need to comment? Send an email to the editors. They’re dying to hear from you! Ta-ta Dhalings!