By: Mary Khon

Hello Queeridos!

If you are reading this, it means you survive the Armageddon–that being the re-opening of California and the fact that the weather has been crazy unpredictable. If you are here, I hope you are doing well. I am doing, and that is enough for me.

During the Pride Festivities, which were very limited and mostly online, I had the misfortune to meet an individual who, at first seemed very nice but slowly and surely his true colors started to show. It has taken me this long to overcome such misfortune.

So, why meeting such individual is a misfortune for this Antiquated Queen? Porque, Mr. Wrong is an ex-gay. That is right, queeridos. He claimed to have surpassed what he called, “the sick and weak desires of the male flesh” by focusing his energy, allowing himself to understand his own existence, and loving himself more than others. That would have been okay if he didn’t mean that he needed to push his homosexual desires to the bottom of his being, repressing them, denying their existence, and then coming out as an ex-gay.

Dios mío! Casi me da un infarto! That man is so lost! And I would feel sorry for his ass if he was lost and wanted to be found, but instead, he’s lost and wants everyone else to get lost with him. Así es, queeridos! He wanted to let me know and ultimately wanted me to accept that long ago he was gay but after finding God he realized his carnal desires were in the wrong direction; so with the help of “therapy and prayer,” he was able to overcome his homosexuality. And as I said, “Fine with me if he wanted to believe that” but the moment he tried to “convert me,” well, queeridos, you can imagine my reaction. I went from being an Antiquated Queen to Velma Kelly from Chicago in .00000001 seconds. And I was ready to do my rendition of the “Cell Block Tango” because he had it coming. Or maybe I did my rendition of such glorious musical number; I don’t know. I don’t remember a thing.

After my unfortunate meeting with Mr. Wrong, I went home to collect my thoughts… and try to figure out this ex-gay thing a little more. I discovered there is an organization that dedicates to recruiting queer people in order to convert them into becoming straight. This organization points the finger to the church and society for turning their backs on the LGBTQ community and wants every queer person to know that our wrong ways can be mended, through prayer and the acceptance of God. They will “help us find our way” and will “help us on how to ask God and society for forgiveness.” The nerve!

In 2019 this organization descended upon Washington, D.C. to talk against LGBTQ+ equal rights, specifically against the Equality Act (banning discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity) and the Therapeutic Fraud Prevention Act (banning conversation therapy). This past June they showed up again to lobby against the LGBTQ+ Civil Rights Bills. Pathetic!

But just as they showed up in Washington proclaiming their salvation, many of their members and leaders have been caught soliciting sex through social media outlets. In 2019, two leaders came out of the closet, David Matheson, who helped write the instructional handbook for the ex-gay program “Journey into Manhood,” and McRae Game who led the South Carolina conversion ministry. Also, in 2019, Norman Goldwasser, a member of the organization was caught looking for sex with other men in the apps Manhunt and Gay Bear Nation. Talking about not “walking-the-talk.”

After learning of the ex-gay movement, I have to say that my encounter with the ex-gay gay was indeed a highlight in the summer. Do you want to know why, queeridos? Because as an Antiquated Queen, I have my ways to pleasurably put strays in their place, reminding them that whatever they do with their lives is their thing, but the moment they cross the threshold and try to latch into my existence, this Antiquated Queen snaps her fingers, and her fairies descend upon evil in a swarm, turning everything into bright rainbow colors, and sweet pink hues. I mean, I do not have the patience for stupidity, and by the time you figure it out, it is too late, Antiquated Queen has slapped you across the face and has already put a gay spell on you.

By the time the ex-gay gay figured out I was not interested in his brainwashing words, it was too late. He was already trapped in my spiderweb, kneeling like all subjects should, tasting the nectar of my staff, and later calling “God” several times because he reached heaven the only way he could. Yes, queeridos, it is always important to show them who’s on top. Que no se les olvide. Hasta next time, queeridos!