Hola Corazones,
Here’s one that came into my DMs recently:
“Dear Paloma,
I know this relationship is emotionally draining me, but every time I try to leave, I go back. Why is it so hard to let go of someone who hurts you?”
— Trying to heal in the city of Angels
Dear Trying to heal in the city of Angels,
First, I want you to know something many people are afraid to admit:
love and pain can become emotionally connected.
Sometimes people stay in unhealthy relationships not because they are weak, but because the relationship activated something familiar inside of them. Many of us grew up learning that love required sacrifice, silence, chaos, survival, or earning affection. So when a relationship feels inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or painful, our nervous system may confuse that feeling with “love.”
That does not mean you are broken. It means your heart learned how to survive before it learned how to feel safe.
Trauma bonds are real. Attachment wounds are real. And sometimes the hardest relationship to leave is the one that keeps giving us small moments of hope in between the hurt.
You may tell yourself:
• “But they have a good heart.”
• “Maybe they’ll change.”
• “I remember the good moments.”
• “I don’t want to start over.”
• “What if nobody else loves me like this?”
Corazón… healthy love should not constantly make you question your worth.
Love should not feel like begging for emotional consistency.
Love should not leave you emotionally exhausted every single week.
Love should not require abandoning yourself to keep someone else comfortable.
And let’s talk about something important: loneliness can make people tolerate emotional pain. Sometimes staying feels easier than grieving. Easier than rebuilding. Easier than facing the unknown. But healing asks us to choose discomfort that leads to growth instead of pain that keeps repeating itself.
One of the biggest signs you are healing is when you stop romanticizing potential and start paying attention to patterns.
Ask yourself:
• Do I feel emotionally safe in this relationship?
• Can I express my feelings without fear?
• Am I constantly anxious, overthinking, or trying to “earn” love?
• Am I shrinking myself to keep this relationship alive?
These questions matter.
Sometimes we outgrow relationships that once felt important. Sometimes love is not enough without accountability, communication, respect, and emotional maturity.
And sometimes the most powerful form of self-love is walking away from what continues to hurt you.
Healing is not just learning how to love others.
Healing is learning you deserve peace too.
Con cariño,
Dr. Nancy Paloma Collins-LMFT
Disclaimer:
Dear Paloma, is an advice column for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy, clinical assessment, or a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing emotional distress or need mental health support, please seek services from a licensed mental health professional in your area.